Tinfoiler

Bristol Palin Over Margaret Cho – Take That Chinese Communism!

As I’m sure you all know, last night was a great win for Conservatives everywhere. The most important political battle for Americans is occurring on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ You could get your politics from watching news stations, but all they talk about is taxes and numbers, and never about important concrete things like freedom and morals. Last night was extremely important because future politician, Bristol Palin, nearly got eliminated from the show. That could have hurt Sarah Palin’s 2012 election chances. Fortunately, America spoke and got rid of that dang Chinese Margaret Cho. The good American public finally stood up and said ‘Leave us alone China! We don’t want your culture and gayness taking over our television and our country!’. I’m sure Chinese people were crowded around their televisions last night wearing their funny hats praying to their fake god that Cho would beat out Palin. But good Christian values always win. I just fear a backlash from China. We definitely need to watch our borders.

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Sweet Bristol Palin, Shake Your Behind and Show the World America is Awesome at Freedom!

Things are looking positive for true Americans these days with masturbation soon to be banned when Christine O’Donnell takes office, the Discovery network finally realizing the environment is a waste of time and allowing Sarah Palin a place on the great educational channel, TLC, and the best of all, blessed Bristol Palin on 'Dancing With The Stars'! I agree with Sarah Palin who said that Bristol’s appearance on ‘Dancing With The Stars’ is a “story of perseverance”. 'Dancing With the Stars' is a place for only the top disciplined dancers and the most prestigious A-List actors and performers like David Hasselhoff and Michael Bolton. It is amazing that Bristol Palin made it all the way to such a high level competition without help from anyone. She showed those liberal communists her freedom when she ripped off her clothes and shook her behind in her outfit. Take that Russia! I think all of America was watching, at least the important people.

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Paris Hilton and Sarah Palin – Two Peas in a Pod!

As a part of their home schooling, I had my sons write 50-word essays about good conservatives. My son, Scout, wrote one about Newt Gingrich. Well, he got an afternoon of picking up cigarette butts off the back porch for that one. He failed to realize that Newt Gingrich can be rearranged to spell “Get(t)ing Rich”, so it is obvious where his intentions lie. Hunter, on the other hand, had a very interesting essay regarding someone that I never considered; Paris Hilton. At first glance, she seems like a typical liberal screw-up. But upon deeper analysis, we can see that she represents a lot of good conservative values. She is very similar to the blessed Sarah Palin. In fact, Paris Hilton’s name is striking similar and can spell “Sari Pilon” which is close enough for government work. And just like Sarah realized she is too good for Alaska, Paris Hilton knows that she is too good for certain jobs also. She showed the world this in her wonderful documentary “The Simple Life.” Sarah Palin is now creating her own television program “Sarah Palin's Alaska", which also makes them similar. They both represent the values of good Americans, achieving success through popularity and having lots of money. I hope my children achieve their status at some point in their lives.

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Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston break engagement? Burn all your Levi jeans in protest!

It’s a sad day for true Americans. Brace yourself…angelic Bristol Palin and former pornographer turned good Christian, Levi Johnston, have split again. I am flying my American flag as well as my Stars and Bars at half mast all month. This story was reported by the Washington Post, so you know it is important. It must be a hot topic these days in the oval office. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is somehow Obama’s doing. Apparently, the Palin family lawyer thinks that the young couple will work out their differences. But what does a lawyer know? Our President is a lawyer and look where that got America! In defiance of the atheist Levi Johnston, I have cleared the house of all Levi jeans products and burnt them in the middle of the street. Hunter and Scout will just have to wear their church sweat pants until the next government unemployment paycheck comes in.

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Bristol Palin rearranged spells “Orbit Plans” – Obviously she is an Angel

Blessed Bristol Palin is back in the news discussing her wonderful love child. When my son Hunter asked me why it was okay for Bristol Palin to have a baby before she was married, I told him that God has special rules for special people. God knew that Bristol could become very rich from having a baby, so He granted her a pregnancy. Since she is the daughter of Sarah Palin, and the name Bristol Palin can be rearranged to spell “Orbit Plans” she is pretty much an angel, at least by the official bible definition. And that pretty much makes her son like a Jesus, technically speaking. This is just more proof that the blessed Palin family has wonderful and holy plans for true Americans. After explaining this to my son, he told me that he wanted to be sex-educated at a public school so that he could have a Jesus baby too. I smacked him in the mouth and told him that sex education is only for liberals and atheists. As good Christians, we should be ashamed of sexuality and our bodies, unless you are chosen by God, like Bristol Palin.

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