Tinfoiler

Having lots more babies will help the economy!

I read an alarming statistic the other day. Apparently, the birth rate is dropping here in the United States. The reason has to be directly linked to Obama’s presidency. It doesn’t affect liberals since they hate children anyway; with all the gayness, abortions, birth control candies, and Cling Wrap combined with rubber bands (or ‘condoms’ for fancy rich people). Unfortunately, good Christian conservatives are having fewer children these days, often times less than five per couple. How can you expect good conservative males to be able to perform in the bedroom with things like hybrid cars, soccer and The Food Network being forced down their throats? Heck, it’s hard enough for a man to just stay straight these days. The male anatomy requires constant thoughts of muscle cars and strong sports figures in order to maintain an effective erection. Thankfully, we still have Sarah Palin on television to help out our good heterosexual men. As the conservative alternative to Viagra, she is one of the few women that could give Jesus a boner.

Ground Zero Mosque? Or is it actually Ground Zero Mask!

Well, I was trying to avoid writing about the whole ‘mosque at ground zero’ hoopla since it has been adequately covered by neutral sources like Glenn Beck. But my son, Hunter, pointed something out to me the other day that opened my eyes. We are focusing on the wrong issue. It’s an old fashioned ‘bait and switch’. He told me to say “mosque” and listen to the word. It sounds like a snooty elitist liberals aying the word “mask”. It is exactly what a bunch of left-wing college professors would sound like drinking their cream sherry and smoking their cherry cigars saying the word “maaaask”. So the mosque is actually a mask covering a more serious plot. In fact, after reading about this so called ‘mosque’ it turns out what they are really building is a community center. That’s worse than a mosque! A community center gives the ‘community’ things for free and we all know what that is…communism! Not only that, they are tearing down a Burlington Coat Factory to erect a community center. So all the hard working factory employees will lose their coat-making jobs while liberals clean their dreadlocks in a free ‘community’ swimming pool using my tax dollars.

Water helps you lose weight? No! Water makes you Communist!

I hate to give Mexicans credit for anything, considering their rampant job stealing, communism, and all those burritos, but they have the right idea when it comes to drinking water in their country. They just don’t do it. They stay away from the water because the government adds so many chemicals it makes you sick, even more so than their Taco Bell tacos. Well, here in the good old USA, Obama and his cronies are a little more subtle. They add fluoride to the water as a mild mind control agent. Now they are doing their best to try to convince people to drink even more water. According to a news article, they are claiming that people can lose weight by drinking water. First, the liberals tell us we are too fat and shove weight loss down our throats, now they want us to do it by drinking their chemically spiked tap water. Who knows what else is in there other than fluoride? My children and I will stick to safe energy drinks. At least I know what I’m getting in there; good clean energy.

The Government is trying to ban breakfast…and guns!

The commies are at it again. This time the dark plot involves the hard working farmers of America. Obama wants to shut down good American egg farms by scaring everyone away from eating eggs. Not only that, he wants to take away their rifles too! Unable to sell eggs, they will go broke, and with no rifles, they won’t be able to shoot the lazy liberal hippies that come on their land and try to steal their corn cobs which they make into marijuana smoking devices. Our president is getting sneakier and sneakier every day. They say these “contaminated” eggs have “salmonella”. Salmonella is obviously a fish disease, since it comes from the word “salmon”. “Salmonella” is probably just another word for a female salmon. Now what kind of true American farmer has salmon anywhere near his eggs? Eggs go with clean processed sausage products, not fish. Salmon is for homosexual vegetarians and Chinese sushi eaters. If the eggs did get salmon poisoning, it had to come from liberals throwing salmon sushi rolls all over Midwestern farms. As any good conservative wouldn’t be caught dead near a salmon, let alone a girly “salmonella” fish. Obama didn’t hide the trail very effectively this time.

TINFOILER POSTS WILL BE ON HOLD FOR 7 DAYS TO MOURN THE LOSS OF THE SITE CREATOR’S MOTHER

They say laughter is the best medicine, but unfortunately it cannot cure everything. Tinfoiler fans, take the time to do two things; first make sure to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, second, when you have the ability, please donate to cancer research: American Cancer Society

Thank you Mother, for all your wisdom and grace, for all that you have provided and all the opportunities you created. You were an inspiration to those who had a chance to know you during your brief stay in our world. You will be remembered fondly and your lessons will be passed on to all generations. Rest well and know that you are loved.

Stephen Hawking wants us to leave the planet – But then who will pay my cable bill?

Just a quick article today as I am on the road, writing this from a Holiday Inn Express business center. I am with my sons on our way to visit the largest thermometer in the world, located in Baker, CA. I want them to see how high the temperature will go for them in the afterlife if they decide to support gayness or college math.

The government wants to turn Texas cowboys into mathematicians!

According the atheist website, CNN.com, the president has the nerve to show his face in the great state of Texas and attempt to convince them to go to college. Apparently, he thinks that being a cowboy or rancher isn’t good enough for America (try telling that to Ronald Reagan!). He wants them all to become spaceship pilots or computer mainframe technicians after being brainwashed in liberal universities. Obama says that he wants to have the highest percentage of college graduates in the world by 2020. That’s a scary thought; a bunch of people that don’t even know how to pump gas into their cars or unclog a drain but are instead wizards at calculators and astrolabes. The world would be a mess. The U.S. ranks 12th among developed nations when it comes to college completion rates. I say that’s pretty good. It’s in the top half. Plus, we are first at freedom, so that is all that really matters!

Obama hates Freedom, Lemonade, and Small Children!

This country is getting ridiculous. According to a recent news article, Obama’s cronies had a lemonade stand run by a 7-year old girl at a public event shut down because she didn’t get a temporary restaurant permit. So now Obama not only hates freedom, he hates lemonade too! This is America, not Japan or Canada. If you are under a certain age, like this little girl, you should be able sell any food or beverage completely unrestricted in public places. It only makes sense. Permits are for grown-ups because they might actually be terrorists trying to poison the population, so that $120 fee would separate serious people from the Muslims. Some whiny liberals complain that everyone should be subject to “public health rules”. But this was a little Christian Caucasian girl, so you know that there wasn’t anything weird in the lemonade like toxic soy sauce or Mexican jalapeno peppers. So what if someone got sick and sued? The government would have to pay for it. That’s what they have all that money in the White House for, to give back to the people in situations like this. That’s what conservative America is about.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston break engagement? Burn all your Levi jeans in protest!

It’s a sad day for true Americans. Brace yourself…angelic Bristol Palin and former pornographer turned good Christian, Levi Johnston, have split again. I am flying my American flag as well as my Stars and Bars at half mast all month. This story was reported by the Washington Post, so you know it is important. It must be a hot topic these days in the oval office. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is somehow Obama’s doing. Apparently, the Palin family lawyer thinks that the young couple will work out their differences. But what does a lawyer know? Our President is a lawyer and look where that got America! In defiance of the atheist Levi Johnston, I have cleared the house of all Levi jeans products and burnt them in the middle of the street. Hunter and Scout will just have to wear their church sweat pants until the next government unemployment paycheck comes in.

Bigness equals Power – Just look at Basil Marceaux and William Taft!

The other day at breakfast, I witnessed one of the most disheartening things I’ve ever seen. My son, Hunter, was drinking out of a two-liter diet soda bottle while eating his Jimmy Dean sausages. A diet soda! I did my best to not overreact to the situation and politely asked him who gave him the soda. We don’t keep that stuff in the house, just Mellow Yellow and sometimes Mountain Dew for special occasions, but never a diet soda. I’m not even sure they sell diet sodas in our town. Even if they did, I wouldn’t buy one, as I’m sure they aren’t American made. After I made Hunter, in tears, pour all of that diet soda down the sink I had him tell me why he felt the need to drink that junk. He showed me an article on FoxNews.com about how to lose weight. What the heck? It looks like even the neutral source, Fox News, has gone ultra left wing. Why would a man ever need to lose weight? Weight loss is for women and homosexuals. I explained to Hunter that being big makes you strong and powerful, and drinking diet soda could turn you into a gay or worse! America needs to get its priorities straight and start praising large powerful men instead of telling them they need to be skinny like French people.