UPDATE: Don’t forget to follow the Tinfoiler – Palin saga with these recent stories: Dream Team and Break-up.
Blessed Bristol Palin is back in the news discussing her wonderful love child. When my son Hunter asked me why it was okay for Bristol Palin to have a baby before she was married, I told him that God has special rules for special people. God knew that Bristol could become very rich from having a baby, so He granted her a pregnancy. Since she is the daughter of Sarah Palin, and the name Bristol Palin can be rearranged to spell “Orbit Plans” she is pretty much an angel, at least by the official bible definition. And that pretty much makes her son like a Jesus, technically speaking. This is just more proof that the blessed Palin family has wonderful and holy plans for true Americans. After explaining this to my son, he told me that he wanted to be sex-educated at a public school so that he could have a Jesus baby too. I smacked him in the mouth and told him that sex education is only for liberals and atheists. As good Christians, we should be ashamed of sexuality and our bodies, unless you are chosen by God, like Bristol Palin.
Bristol Palin represents true moral values!
According to Fox News, Bristol was afraid to tell her mother about her pregnancy. I can imagine that would be quite a burden, as Sarah Palin was hard at work spreading good conservative values across Alaska by sharing the oil wealth from the state with all the citizens. And at first glance, it might seem like Bristol was just another liberal skank strumpeting
Dirty liberals are probably asking why God wants Bristol Palin to be rich. I think the answer is terribly obvious, if you open your mind to good conservative values. He wants her to be rich because she loves freedom and has great moral values. She is against sex education and premarital sex (unless you are a special case like her, and God tells you it is okay).
It is wonderful that she is out there spreading herself and her story to everyone. As a home schooling single mother, it is difficult to explain to my children why sex education is wrong. The problem is that once I start explaining it, I begin educated them in sex, which is exactly what I’m NOT supposed to be doing according to Christianity and Conservatism. It is hard, but at least God forgives Americans. If you are in a position like me, I would just avoid discussing sex and reproduction all together. I’ve torn out all the pages regarding reproduction in our homeschooling science pamphlets
Condoms are evil and just a way for greedy socialist to get rich!
I’ve explained to them the reason that liberal atheists push sex education in schools. I don’t believe it’s actually due to their natural perversions (they are liberal after all, so they can’t help it). It is most likely due to the greedy oil companies. After the latest oil spill, it is obvious the left wingers are in control of big oil. When liberals shove sex education down your throats they try to get you addicted to using condoms. No normal person would ever believe that those pieces of disgusting plastic should be involved in anyone’s intimate life, but liberals want you to believe that everyone should use them. Why? Because the plastics used in the creation of condoms are made out of oil products. The more you buy, the more money the oil companies make. When you are “doing it” in an unnatural un-Godly way, you are lining the greedy socialists pockets with oil money.
As true Americans, we should avoid sex education, avoid using contraception and we should all back Bristol Palin for her wonderful moral compass and the fact that she has never made many of the mistakes that the rest of us have made. Fly high angel, with your wonderful “Orbit Plans” for America!
June 30th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
And the Divine Guns! Don’t forget God’s plans for Bristol to follow in her parent’s Holy Footsteps by teaching her contraception-free messiah-child to blast God’s creatures for sport. God gives us nature to use as we see fit, so if that means equipping children with high-power rifles and hanging them out of helicopters to blast wolves, then it’s God’s Will! Evil contraception would mean less of God’s chosen children, and therefore more wolves, bears, moose, etc.
June 30th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Okay, so we’ve learned now that contraception is bad.
Blowjobs are still okay, though, right?
June 30th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
Brilliant. Satire at its best. Blurb me if you like.
June 30th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
*Sigh*
And, ironically, Bristol Palin is NOT properly anagrammed as “Orbit Plans”. It can, however, be anagrammed as “Parboils Lint”.
June 30th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
One person’s satire is reality for millions of Palin backers.
June 30th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Um….you might want to correct the caption above that reads, “Bristol Palin represents true moral values!”
That’s a picture of Mercede Johnston, pictured with her older brother, Levi Johnston, who had and may still have a relationship with the woman your blog entry discusses, the not-pictured Bristol Palin.
There’s a similar picture of the two siblings here — http://www.mercedejohnston.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/merclevi1.jpg –
June 30th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Typical liberal logic; trying to confuse things.
June 30th, 2010 at 6:50 pm
JagerMom47: apparently when a palinhead reads satire and is deaf to humor they see it as serious “liberal logic” that is “trying to confuse things”.
trying not to get the writer isn’t a convincing argument that the writer doesn’t get it and you do.
June 30th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
What are you talking about?
July 1st, 2010 at 10:18 am
@demo.nyc: Um, you do realize that JagerMom was the author of the original post, yes?
July 1st, 2010 at 4:03 am
I think your jealous, let her go.
July 1st, 2010 at 6:02 am
You are a disgusting human..
July 1st, 2010 at 8:46 am
Hilarious! Great job, love the satire. Just more evidence that humor is one of the most effective ways to push back against those who seek to deny reality. Well done!
July 1st, 2010 at 10:07 am
Not sure if you would use a 357 Dirty Hairy special to kill Wolves and Deer. These people are described in Scripture as Wolves in Sheeps clothing. As far as anyone being excused from sin due to their status in the Flesh. HMMMMMMM. Palin may want to revisit that one. I think she should utilize a different scriputure in the future.
Proverbs 17
28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,
and discerning if he holds his tongue.
July 24th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Wow, took the words right out of my mouth… by the way, Palin is also teaching her kids about “being in control”, always winning at any cost, and quitting a job you were entrusted to do…I am so sick of her and wish she had a teabag up her coochie.. I love John McCain, but what the hell was he thinking? Why doesn’t she “go with the flow” like the dead fish she talks about?? Better love your daughter…..That is one thing she can’t control with her state police and her big lawyer !! I’d like to mudwrestle her with a tractor!!p.s hope she grills out in Russia this week-end.