Blessed Bristol Palin is back in the news discussing her wonderful love child. When my son Hunter asked me why it was okay for Bristol Palin to have a baby before she was married, I told him that God has special rules for special people. God knew that Bristol could become very rich from having a baby, so He granted her a pregnancy. Since she is the daughter of Sarah Palin, and the name Bristol Palin can be rearranged to spell “Orbit Plans” she is pretty much an angel, at least by the official bible definition. And that pretty much makes her son like a Jesus, technically speaking. This is just more proof that the blessed Palin family has wonderful and holy plans for true Americans. After explaining this to my son, he told me that he wanted to be sex-educated at a public school so that he could have a Jesus baby too. I smacked him in the mouth and told him that sex education is only for liberals and atheists. As good Christians, we should be ashamed of sexuality and our bodies, unless you are chosen by God, like Bristol Palin.
According to Fox News, Bristol was afraid to tell her mother about her pregnancy. I can imagine that would be quite a burden, as Sarah Palin was hard at work spreading good conservative values across Alaska by sharing the oil wealth from the state with all the citizens. And at first glance, it might seem like Bristol was just another liberal skank strumpeting around the Alaska highlands. God’s plans are not always immediately apparent. But after discussing the situation with her loving mother’s publicist, they realized that there was a larger moral plan for Bristol. We are able to see that plan working in all of its holy glory. Bristol has been able to travel around and speak about having babies and not using protection during intercourse and is making lots of money and becoming very famous. She has even been an actress on some TV shows! If that’s not God’s plan in action, then I don’t know what it is.
Dirty liberals are probably asking why God wants Bristol Palin to be rich. I think the answer is terribly obvious, if you open your mind to good conservative values. He wants her to be rich because she loves freedom and has great moral values. She is against sex education and premarital sex (unless you are a special case like her, and God tells you it is okay).
It is wonderful that she is out there spreading herself and her story to everyone. As a home schooling single mother, it is difficult to explain to my children why sex education is wrong. The problem is that once I start explaining it, I begin educated them in sex, which is exactly what I’m NOT supposed to be doing according to Christianity and Conservatism. It is hard, but at least God forgives Americans. If you are in a position like me, I would just avoid discussing sex and reproduction all together. I’ve torn out all the pages regarding reproduction in our homeschooling science pamphletsto avoid any dirty thoughts or confusion. This will ensure my children grow up healthy and moral.
I’ve explained to them the reason that liberal atheists push sex education in schools. I don’t believe it’s actually due to their natural perversions (they are liberal after all, so they can’t help it). It is most likely due to the greedy oil companies. After the latest oil spill, it is obvious the left wingers are in control of big oil. When liberals shove sex education down your throats they try to get you addicted to using condoms. No normal person would ever believe that those pieces of disgusting plastic should be involved in anyone’s intimate life, but liberals want you to believe that everyone should use them. Why? Because the plastics used in the creation of condoms are made out of oil products. The more you buy, the more money the oil companies make. When you are “doing it” in an unnatural un-Godly way, you are lining the greedy socialists pockets with oil money.
As true Americans, we should avoid sex education, avoid using contraception and we should all back Bristol Palin for her wonderful moral compass and the fact that she has never made many of the mistakes that the rest of us have made. Fly high angel, with your wonderful “Orbit Plans” for America!